MISS ENGLAND 2008

Yeah, yeah, fuck the hiatus. I'm gonna have to be in and out of the blogosphere for a bit if things like this keep popping up. I guess it's normal, as a non-citizen that I have never heard of the Miss England competition (Is it to later compete in Miss World or Miss Universe?). Celebslam's got it covered though. Tons of vile pictures of the girls traipsing around the King's Road on April 4th. I should really not judge though because this is a bevy of hella confident women, braving the cold and the bodily criticism (I'm sure they got) like that. I know I couldn't do it, the tragically insecure person that I am. Kudos to Miss Surrey for competing. She's probably my favourite there. AND SURREY IS WHERE MY UNIVERSITY IS LOCATED! YAY! Before it was called Roehampton, it was actually called University of Surrey. But I'm confused. I see there's a Miss Roe Hampton in there. Is that the same place? I looked it up and the answer is, yes. Couldn't fucking spell it right, now could you? Whatevs. This competition blows.

BEFORE I GO

RAWR!

THE WISPY HAIR AND EYELASHES

I'D DO MISS STAR TATTOO ON THE RIGHT

CLICK ON THE PICTUREEEE. HER SUNGLASSES ARE WORTH IT. I LOVE PINK HAIR!

YES, THAT IS A PREGNANT LADY HAVING A SMOKE

CHECK OUT HER BRIGHT NAILS. JUST YOU CLICK ON IT. FUCK YEAH!

THIS GUY IS UNBELIEVABLY HOT. I CANNOT STRESS, THEREFORE I WON'T

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THE WAY PEOPLE HOLD THEIR CIGARETTES THAT MAKE THEM SO APPEALING TO DIE FOR

HERE HE IS AGAIN ON THE LEFT! HAWT!

[PHOTOS COURTESY THE COBRA SNAKE]

LONDON MEANS REALITY

HIATUS, FOLKS!
Now that I'm back in London, reality has come a-slappin'. I've got Vogue and Harper's Bazaar competition deadlines to meet, not to mention 6,000 words of prose for my portfolio due at the end of the month, as well as three essays. I've got to talk to estate agents from now to secure a flat to reside in for my third and final year in September, since I won't be around all summer to organize that, and THEN I've got to pack my entire life up and ship it over to my aunt's place in Wimbledon so I can leave the country by early May for my internship in Dubai. Then summer and the beginning of my novel ensues. To top it all off I'm an alcoholic perfectionist. So, when I am doing something more interesting other than drinking, writing, writing, reading, quoting, writing, not eating, arguing, ranting, writing, drinking, drinking and sleeping, I'll get back to you. I'M SORRY and I LOVE YOU!

P.S. Read the other blogs on my blogroll in the meantime. Trust me, they're even better than this dirt. And before I go, since the Middle East banned my viewing of The Cobra Snake for three weeks, I've been catching up and wanna post some pics in a new post from o'er there for you.

I GOT YOUR TEXT

"Hey sExy matey! So pissed with alex my little bro!! A tiny bit stoned too!! What a night!! I've got a possible career path too!! So happy!! Hope you're good!! XxxxX alex says - hope ur havin gr8 time, we'll have to have session with you!! Ant's stoned!! I will txt you soon - my number is (x) Alex xx"

Hi back (!!) Those frickin' exclamation marks huh!?
P.S. I've forgotten who you are and have put you under "The Who" in my contacts for the time being.

THE LONELY LONDONER IS BACK

I have selective chicken pox thanks to my brother; a set of braille inscriptions running down both my elbows. If that's how I'm going to receive it the second time, fine by me. Long sleeves it is. Just don't mess with my face. I probably gave it to the GINORMOUS baby that was sitting next to me on the flight, with the GINORMOUS blue vein running across it's almost transparent GINORMOUS white forehead. Oh well. Who told her to cry so damn much? She had it coming. What can ya do?

Go for sushi in South Kensington is what.

I FEEL LIKE THE LAST COCA COLA IN THE DESERT

WE HAVE HERE (taken from mirror.co.uk) a list of words in other languages for things you wanted to say in English but our language failed. Like I was praying that there would be a simple word for the person you want to headbutt who is walking slowly in front of you on a busy sidewalk and you are trying to catch your bus. Anyway, I am about to tape this to my wall. Lookout for some of these phrases in posts to come.

Kaelling - Danish: a woman who stands on her doorstep yelling obscenities at her kids.

Pesamenteiro - Portuguese: one who joins groups of mourners at the home of a dead person, apparently to offer condolences but in reality is just there for the refreshments.

Okuri-OKAMI - Japanese: literally a "see-you-home-wolf". A man who feigns thoughtfulness by offering to see a girl home only to try to molest her once he gets in the door.

Jayus - Indonesian: someone who tells a joke so unfunny you can't help laughing.

Spesenritter - German: a person who shows off by paying the bill on the firm's money, literally "an expense knight".

Kamaki - Greek: the young local guys strolling up and down beaches hunting for female tourists, literally "harpoons".

Kanjus Makkhicus - Hindi: a person so miserly that if a fly falls into his cup of tea, he'll fish it out and suck it dry before throwing it away.

Giri-GIRI - Hawaiian pidgin: the place where two or three hairs stick up, no matter what.

Pelinti - Buli, Ghana: to move very hot food around inside one's mouth.

Dii-KOYNA - Ndebele, South Africa: to destroy one's property in anger.

Hanyauku - Rukwangali, Namibia: walking on tiptoes across warm sand.

Tartle - Scottish: to hesitate when you are introducing someone whose name you can't quite remember.

Vovohe Tahtsenaotse - Cheyenne, US: to prepare the mouth before speaking by moving or licking one's lips.

Prozvonit - Czech and Slovak: to call someone's mobile from your own to leave your number in their memory without them picking it up.

Hira Hira - Japanese: the feeling you get when you walk into a dark and decrepit old house in the middle of the night.

Koi No Yokan - Japanese: a sense on first meeting someone that it is going to evolve into love.

Cafune - Brazilian Portuguese: the tender running of one's fingers through the hair of one's mate.

Shnourkovat Sya - Russian: when drivers change lanes frequently and unreasonably.

Gadrii Nombor Shulen Jongu - Tibetan: giving an answer that is unrelated to the question, literally "to give a green answer to a blue question".

Biritululo - Kiriwani, Papua New Guinea: comparing yams to settle a dispute.

Poronkusema - Finnish: the distance equal to how far a reindeer can travel without a comfort break.

Gamadj - Obibway, North America: dancing with a scalp in one's hands, in order to receive presents.

Baling - Manobo, Philippines: the action of a woman who, when she wants to marry a man, goes to his house and refuses to leave until marriage is agreed upon.

Dona - Yamana, Chile: to take lice from a person's head and squash between one's teeth.

Oka/SHETE - Ndonga, Nigeria: urination difficulties caused by eating frogs before the rain has duly fallen.

Pisan Zapra - Malay: the time needed to eat a banana.

Physiggoomai - Ancient Greek: excited by eating garlic.

Baffona - Italian: an attractive moustachioed woman.

Layogenic - Tagalog, Philippines: a person who is only goodlooking from a distance.

Rhwe - South Africa: to sleep on the floor without a mat while drunk and naked.

Shvitzer - Yiddish: someone who sweats a lot, especially a nervous seducer.

Gattara - Italian: a woman, often old and lonely, who devotes herself to stray cats.

Creerse La Ultima Coca-COLA EN EL DESIERTO - Central American Spanish: to have a very high opinion of oneself, literally to "think one is the last Coca-Cola in the desert".

Vrane Su Mu Popile Mozak - Croatian: crazy, literally "cows have drunk his brain".

Du Kannst Mir Gern Den Buckel Runterrutschen Und Mit Der Zunge Bremsen - Austrian German: abusive insult, literally "you can slide down my hunchback using your tongue as a brake".

Tener Una Cara De Telefono Ocupado - Puerto Rican Spanish: to be angry, literally "to have a face like a busy telephone".

Bablat - Hebrew: baloney, but is an acronym of "beelbool beytseem le-lo takhleet" which means "bothering someone's testicles for no reason".

Vai A Fava - Portuguese: get lost, literally "go to the fava bean".

Rombhoru - Bengali: a woman having thighs as shapely as banana trees.

Tako-NYODU - Japanese: a baldy, literally an "octopus monk".

Snyavshi Shtany, PO VOLOSAM NE GLADYAT - Russian: once you've taken off your pants it's too late to look at your hair.

Mariteddu Tamant'e Un Ditu Ieddu Voli Essa Rivaritu - Corsican: a husband must be respected even if he is very short.

Bayram Degil (SEYRAN DEGIL ENISTE BENI NIYE OPTU? - Turkish: there must be something behind this. Literally "it's not festival time, it's not a pleasure trip, so why did my brother-in-law kiss me"?

IN HER SHOES

Went to Dubai with the parental unit to get properly boozed with some other Trini's stationed in the Gulf. I tottered around with ever the full glass of red; the oldies making crude sex jokes, cackling to their clogged heart's content and telling me not to be embarassed. Shit, I wasn't. Some old Texan guy wearing the same shirt as me, who kept wishing he was thirty years younger, said he lives a short distance from me in London and is looking forward to seeing me in the Caiman Islands this summer. I got invited to stay at some old lady's boozy pad in the Caimans this August. "All you need is booze, baby. I really like you. Come and be my pet." Um, okay.

So, eventually the ballet ribbons on my mom's shoes had cut off my leg's blood flow(because I didn't want them to fall limp around my ankles) so I went walking in the street and drunk dialling. The wedges were actually great leverage for when I squatted in the road crying to my ex-boyfriend in America. "I hate you! I hate you" But I don't, okay?