Monday, 3 March 2008

I haven't done a post since Friday, have I?: WEEKEND PT. 1

The Japanese word of the Day is 'Natsu'. That means summer. I am currently saying goodbye to dreams of a South American 'natsu' because it seems I will be as skint as a Charles Dickens character; okay I was going for Huck Finn then realised the very wealthy Scrooge was one too. Fuck it. Yesterday, I applied for a paparazzo job, a freelance journalist job and a counter staff job at a Chinese/Japanese restaurant. For me, anything goes, especially when you find out you've been working somewhere for three weeks in return for nothing but free yoga. Yuh know, I know the whole point of blogging is to 'get into it' but I am SO NOT ready to get into that situation yet. I am fuming.

This weekend was just ridiculous.

I had my friends over for a small but LOUD, pizza-chips-coke-wine-Bob Marley night on Friday and it was the most fun night I have had in ages; except for the bit where 'Waiting in Vain' came on on my 6th glass of wine and I was dangling reminiscently from my chair mouthing the lyrics and being a soggy-faced emo about life. But the mood was easily recovered by my male friend 'poppin' it' in front of my face, which looked more like him jiggling his entire back and hurting himself.

We talked a lot.

Even though I've been one to experiment, being a teenager and all, I told everyone of my fears(for lack of a better word 'cuz I'm not really scared. 'Que sera sera') that I might be bisexual, and my friend Andi made me realise the scariest thing. My ex and I broke up a little while ago (actually, it was November, but he's been having his way with me and I was dumped again around my 19th birthday in January). He's asian. My latest crush, although possessing THE GREATEST shoulder tattoo and THE SEXIEST FITTEST olive-skinned yoga body known to man, is asian...and a woman. So I guess that would be 'THE SEXIEST FITTEST olive-skinned yoga body known to woman'. I guess. Fuck it².

I've had an asian fetish ever since I was like 10 or something, but after my ex broke up with me, there has been no fetish, period, for anyone or anything. I walk past the Takeshi Kaneshiro's of London without the slightest glance, am numb to the honking horns, the 'how ya doin' princess?', the cat calls of every kind, and make sure not to look anyone in the face more than once at clubs for fear that they should think they need to come over and introduce themselves. But all I did was go to work at the yoga studio, and BAM! There is this stupid asian chick busy NOT SWEATING OR GROANING like the rest of us, and bending over backwards in front of my reflection in the mirrored wall at the front of the class. And then sneaking up near my elbow, naked in the changing rooms, to grab her towel. I mean, WHO THE HELL DOES SHE THINK SHE IS?!

Andi says I either want to be limber, cute, tiny, tattooed, artistic her, or I am just acting out towards my feelings of the break-up. But ANYWAY! It all works out in the end. Because I'm quitting my UNPAID yoga studio job and last week I overheard her say an American accent, about not being around the studio for a while and wanting to temporarily suspend her membership. So, there's really no need for me to show up there anymore twice a week to pay one whole pound for water and spray stinky sweaty mats if there won't be any hot asian girls or any MONEY INVOLVED! Good.

The Ex and I have a really complicated relationship; and we want to be together so bad but it's just not happening right now; me being a London-based undergraduate, majoring in Creative Writing, minoring in crazy self-deprecating existences, and him being an aspiring Screenwriter/Director in L.A with nothing to lose. He thinks he's doing me a favour by letting me sort my crazy shit out on my own before we start dating again. And yet, we talk everyday for roughly 5 hours about his screenplays, and stupid people and love and sex and marriage, all the while secretly trying to figure out whether the other person has moved on yet by the tone of their voice on Skype. And no, neither one has. Andi says to solve this, I shouldn't talk to him for two weeks and expect him to make up his mind fully about what he wants with us, in black and white, in yes and no, because he keeps saying things like 'I thought about getting back together with you the other day...'.

So....I did. I went ahead and initiated that difficult task, and I was told... 'no'. At least not until I up and suddently decide to start living in L.A., then 'yes, by all means, do come fuck me, do be my girl, do try your hardest to get that Chinese food counter staff job to save the money to fly here, do be at my beck and call. Love you! *mwah*'

I am at my wit's end about how I am supposed to feel. Everyone's going to tell me to get as far away as I can from him so he doesn't ruin me further. But has anyone ever stopped to think about what the situation would be like for them? Has anyone ever had to deal with such an intricately designed 'so-not-even-close-but-meant-to-be' relationship? I can't believe he said that.

I'm making this a Part 1 to my weekend. Don't worry, that's the end of the sappy love/relationships part of it and you won't have to hear of that for a while, hopefully. But for now, I'm all written out. At least I managed to shove a new Japanese word in there!

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